"And the Oscar goes to... that guy in the back."

Dear Oscars™ producer Gil Cates:

Really? No, really? You're changing the Oscars™ so that some winners receive their trophies in their seats?!? And other categories have nominees paraded onstage, only to lose in an even more public and awkward forum?

How ghetto are you?

Should they be grateful for this? I know you're claiming that this is all about getting TV exposure for the losers. But, honestly, which losers are deemed in need of having a potentially painful loss made worse by having to stand onstage, under the lights, smiling tightly and brightly while the winner gives a speech?

For instance, I'm so sure Annette Bening is sitting there going, "If I manage to upset Swank, I hope they don't make me get up on stage. I hope they make me stand up in my seat and reach over Warren to grab the trophy. Maybe I can drop it on Swank's head by 'accident.'"

"And the winner is... Jamie Foxx! Congratulations! Um... Leonardo, can you just... can you pass that along down the row to Jamie? Tha... no, Leo, it's not funny to shove it down your pants first."

And I'm so sure Martin Scorsese is praying that you call all the directors up on stage before you announce that Clint Eastwood has beaten him. "Dear Gil," Marty is scribbling on some studio letterhead. "For your consideration: Make the Best Director nominees trot up on stage. I would like nothing more than to stand under the lights watching someone else read their speech while I try to rip mine up without taking my hand out of my pocket."

Whatever happened to, say, showing clips of each nominated performance? Yeah, that takes time. And I know other awards shows have randomly rejected this practice for some categories but not others, but frankly, that's always my favorite part. It showcases good work. I love clips. Remember the year that the sound effects editing packages were all big scenes from movies, played with no sound, and then played WITH sound to show how important good audio is? Love it. Love clips. Love them. The only thing I love more than clips is the Dead Celebrities montage.

Oh my God. Okay, Gil. GIL. If you touch the Dead Celebrities montage, I'm going to smack you. Really.

But for real -- isn't it a little disrespectful to, say, the best sound editor of the year to decide that his category isn't that important, and he can therefore collect his trophy from his seat at the back of the Kodak Theatre? Don't you think that guy's mom might be watching and hoping to see him stand up on stage, forgetting to thank her until the music stars playing him off?

"And the Oscar goes to... Catalina Sandino-Moreno, who is... sitting in the upper balcony, because we were pretty sure she'd lose. Time to get out the Oscar™-cannon, Chris! Aim that thing up there and shoot her the trophy."

I'm certainly not above complaining about the length of the ceremony. But in a way, I miss the old, slow, ungainly four-hour telecasts. I watch praying that someone's vanity speech will horrifically derail the ceremony. I pray for a Tibet moment. I would die happy if someone replicated Liz Taylor at the Golden Globes, accidentally reading the winner of the Best Motion Picture (Drama) before listing the nominees.

But you, Gil Cates... you are ruining all this, what with your singleminded obsession with streamlining the ceremony and making it efficient. You're making it error-free, and thus, boring.

I would even accept being forced to sit through another interminable Billy Crystal song and dance -- and my GOD, that last one sucked donkey -- if you would please resume allowing people to make fools of themselves on television.

Step One is making sure all the winners get their solo moment in the spotlight. Boring, amusing, embarrassing, or touching -- it doesn't matter. Let me yawn. Let me groan. Let me rage. All I want is some interactivity, okay, you bastard?

Sincerely,
Look, I Know I Said It, But Please Don't Make It Come Down To Another Year Of Billy Crystal Hosting

Comments

[Christine]

I am also thanking the high heavens that Billy Crystal isn't hosting again...the thought of him as another member of Lord of the Rings makes me shiver in repulsion. I still maintain that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson would be fantastic hosts, but then again I suppose it would be a downgrade from their other masterpieces...like Meet the Fockers. *vomit*

[Tom]

Yeah, what's up with that? You mean he actually listened to all of those hayseeds who think that the "In Memoriam" tribute is a waste of time and would prefer it if Best Picture was the first award announced? WTF? Oy.

[Coleen]

Maybe if he got rid of the self-aggrandizing "Hooray for Hollywood" clips and threatened winners with a machete if they took longer than 45 seconds for their thank-yous, it could be both shorter and more interesting.

I love how the thank-you speeches are always the ones blamed for the length, when we know it's both the host's patter and the montage clips. I mean, I love a good montage as much as the next person, but ENOUGH, ALREADY.

[Pam]

AMEN, sister! I thought the same things when I saw that in the paper today. Bringing the awards to people in the audience and having all of the nominees on stage is just ludicrous. Bring me Steve Martin and some clips and I'm happy.

[Aine]

LOL! The whole thing has become so ludicrous that I completely stopped watching the awards a few years ago. Then again, I also quit watching the Superbowl and all that other crap, as well. Maybe if more people became just really selective about what they spend their time doing and what shows they watch, we'd eventually get some better content to watch on TV.

I did catch an episode of Joan of Arcadia the other night though... not bad, I thought. I'll probably watch it again next week just to see if it's consistently that good.

[Dave]

The Dead Celebrities montage rules. I love finding out that people I thought had bit it long, long ago have only just died. "Burgess Meredith? Didn't he die about nine years ago when he was shoved roughly to the ground by Clubber Lang?"

[Scarlett]

Doesn't everyone love the Parade of Death? How would we judge the Dead Actors Pool if we didn't have the Parade of Death? You have to assign points based on how long their section of the Parade is, and how much people clap. That's the only way I'm ever going to beat my friend D this year, since she had Reagan, and I had Brando. In actual world importance, Reagan would probably win, but in Hollywood, I have a lock with Marlon.