JESSICA: I was thinking last night that if Fugging were an Olympic Sport, who else would be on the American team?
HEATHER: Tough to say -- I think maybe us and Joan Rivers.
JESSICA: I love the idea of us sitting there with random Russian Fashion Police people and then they flash a picture of Bai Ling on a screen and everyone starts typing.
HEATHER: Degree of difficulty, technical execution...
JESSICA: Spelling, grammar, level of hilarity...
HEATHER: HTML coding...
JESSICA: Hehehe. "Rowdy, she HAS to stick the coding. In the warm-ups, she completely forgot to close a bold tag. If that happens tonight..."
HEATHER: "I am shocked. SHOCKED. That was CLEARLY a square bracket when it should have been a parenthesis. I'm just not sure the judges and I are reading the same sentence."
JESSICA: "I don't understand it. There is something about the Romanian fuggers that clearly appeals to some of these international judges, and I....I just don't see it. I'm sorry."
HEATHER: "The Chinese fuggers are so technically precise with their grammar -- they start them diagramming sentences at the age of three and you can really tell in how focused and technically sound they are, Elfi."
JESSICA: "The Chinese have presented passports verifying that Yang LiLin here is over 16, as you must be to compete in international fugging competitions. But as you can see, she still has her baby teeth, and she doesn't know who Brenda Walsh is. I have to say, I have my doubts. The US Fugging Federation can't do much about it, but we suspect they've been cheating."
HEATHER: "This conclusion is key -- she's got one of the toughest in the world. It's a three-and-a-half part run-on sentence with allusions to Russian literature and the plot of Who's The Boss? and she even thinks they should name this move after her."
JESSICA: "Team Captain Joan Rivers has recently announced this will be her last Olympic Games. Elfi, I think that has to have something to do with the recent decision to outlaw the f word in competition."
HEATHER: "The only dent in the Chinese team's armor is this next rotation: poll-writing. They're not big on democracy over there and it really shows. They have GOT to remember that they're working on an international stage and 'Because the government says so' is not going to get them a high execution score."
JESSICA: "The Chinese are also at a disadvantage, Tim, because they get so few western television channels. They do not, for example, get SoapNet."
HEATHER: "And they've only just added 'Chad Michael Murray' to their lexicon, but if you remember the 2007 world championships, the Chinese placed sixth because they hadn't fully grasped what it meant and wrote a whole Well Played piece on the height of his hair."
JESSICA: "So it seems the American team may in fact have an advantage here."
JESSICA: Cue Bela Karolyi freaking out: "They can do eeeeet!"
HEATHER: Ha ha ha. "Come on girl, come on girl, come on girl... YES! SHE IS CHAMPION! SHE IS OLYMPIC CHAMPION, I TELL YOU WHAT."
JESSICA: "TYPE TYPE! LOOK AT HER TYPING, BOB! GOOOOOOO!"
HEATHER: I cherish Bela so much. I want him around all the time when we're working.
HEATHER: Thank God we're both entertained by the same things.
JESSICA: At least we can always amuse OURSELVES.