Prognosis Negative

I've gotten to the point with those hideous e-Trade commercials that, if I see the baby at the keyboard and it's not holding anything and there's nothing in the background, I have to look away because I know it's the one where the baby ralphs all over itself. There is no need for on-camera ralphing, even if baby vomit is essentially just milk and saliva.

Someday, of course, I will be picking infant puke out of my hair and loving every second of it. And with real babies, it doesn't bother me. But it doesn't belong in deep-talking man-babies on my TV screen. All of which is an elaborate way of transitioning into the topic at hand: on our first and last IUI cycle, we got a big, fat negative.

This was expected, for two reasons. Number one, I just never, ever in a million years thought we'd score a home run on our first try, and while I think I was pretty good about not being pessimistic about it, I did feel the need to be realistic. And number two, for a couple reasons, my doctor now believes artificial insemination is really unlikely to work for me and wants us to jump straight to IVF. The big dog. We were too far along to convert this cycle from IUI to the more intense IVF, so we gave it a whirl.

It was an interesting process. Thanks to a good response to the first 10 or so days of daily injections, I had two nice, big follicles and a third one of a moderate size -- so we went ahead and scheduled the hCG shot. That has to be done at an EXACT time, which for me was 35 hours before my procedure, and that means doing it yourself; a lot of women have to wake up at 3 a.m. to do it, and for me, it was on the dot of 10 p.m. Not a moment earlier, and not a moment later, they say. This shot, if I have my information correct, essentially induces ovulation. And it was STRESSFUL. You have to mix it yourself, but when they did the demo for me at the doctor's office, they used two vials full of water that made drawing the liquid out look really easy. In reality, you're mixing 0.5 ccs of water with powder and then drawing all of it back up into the syringe. This is where it got complicated for me, because in the demo, she had a lot of water in the vial so she left about half an inch of needle tip inside, and drew it out with ease. But for me, it was only a very small amount, and because of the shape of the vial, when I inverted it the fluid settled into really inconvenient places and I couldn't get it all back into the syringe. FINALLY, after about three or four frustrating tries, I drew as close to 0.5 ccs as I could, then yanked out the needle, switched it out for a much smaller tip, and waited for 10 p.m. to arrive so I could stick myself. I wish Kevin had been home to keep me from freaking out at myself. He pulled into the driveway not 30 seconds after I'd finished and as soon as he came in the door I was like, "WHAT IF I JUST RUINED EVERYTHING."

It worked, but ultimately, the IUI didn't. The procedure itself takes like ten seconds -- not to be crass, but the doctor basically just points and shoots and then you lie there for 20 minutes and then go about your day for a while until it's time for them to check your progress. They did a blood draw 12 days after the procedure to get an early reading of my beta level -- which has to do with how much of an embryo-nurturing hormone you have; my clinic treats any reading above 5 as a possible positive even though that's generally very very low. My reading was 6, so I had two days of, "Wait... MAYBE, I guess, it's possible... it's remote, but it's possible..." and then two days later my blood tested back in the negative range. Those two days were the worst. I know it's only going to get harder -- at least it was only two days, and two days of real doubt -- but any glimmer of hope is enough that you start overanalyzing any possible new feeling you're having. I spent two days imagining how it would feel if my number went up properly, then reminding myself it would probably go down, then scolding myself against trying to predict anything while checking to see if my boobs felt sore and then recalling that they get sore with PMS as well so it doesn't mean anything... it made for a really long two days. And then, suddenly, we knew it was nothing and it was time to look ahead to the next go-round, where the hopes will be even MORE inflated and the potential letdown even more intense. But it'll be worth it in the end, someday. That's the most inflated hope of all.

Comments

[TheQueen]

I know this is shockingly insubstanial given the topic, but don't you get creeped out when the baby talks to his "girlfriend" on the phone? Ralphing is preferable to that.

[lsn]

I'm interested that your hCG injection you had to mix yourself - all the trigger injections I've had with IVF come pre-prepared, and it's literally take off the cap and stick yourself with it. Which is so much easier than what yours sounded like! Hopefully it'll be the same with the IVF ones for you.

[Heather]

For some reason, I can divorce myself from the girlfriend thing, but the vomiting just gets me. The noise AND the visual. Ew. They're all bad ads, though.

[bandick]

I'm with you on the baby hurling ad. Like you, I have no problem with babies getting sick in real life but I can't even watch it on funny video shows. What's funny about a kid sicking up on the dinner table? No man voice required, just put it on tv and I'm out.

I also wanted to say that it always strikes me how weird the blogging thing can be. I have these sites that I've read for ages and I find myself almost emotionally connected to people I've never met. Not to get too schmoopie on you, but I kind of feel that way about you so when I read your updates on starting your family, I somehow feel personally invested. And then I'm like, "yeah but someone threw flour on Lindsey" and I'm back to reality.

Mostly, I just wanted you to know that we're all sending our good baby-makin' vibes (in the least creepy way possible) your way.

[Tina]

Really sorry you're going through this. I've been wanting to be an egg donor lately, but at 33 I'm too old (!!) though I meet all the other requirements. Anyway, I too am sending good vibes your way.

[Katie]

I'm sorry the first at bat didn't work. I'm going in to start IUIs very soon, so am very hopeful that they work some of the time!! Hopefully your embryos will attach quickly and well.