Jumping Beans

First order of business: Thank you all so much for the virtual hugs and the love and congratulations. While I'm sure there are some out there who are quietly thinking, "Holy Jebus, it's a cruel world that lets that woman reproduce," the outpouring in the comments has been awesome and I've felt so thoroughly supported by everyone this entire time even though most of us have never met. I've said it before and I'll repeat it: The Internet can be a beautiful thing.

Keeping a lid on all this has been very difficult, in part because you guys hopped on and came along with me through the IUI and IVF journeys, and I felt like I was leaving you stranded. Kevin agreed with me from the get-go that it was important to have this outlet to talk about the fertility process, because it's so potentially fraught and complicated and scary and overwhelming. We knew I'd need a place to come and let it out, especially because of how much it helped me to read other ladies' blogs while I was going through it, or to hear from the women who reached out to me -- some going through IVF, some back in July when I was learning about my probable PCOS diagnosis. There's nothing certain or even always common about any of these experiences, but getting to explain my half of it and hear other people's stories has helped immensely. For that reason, I never wanted to hide what we were doing, because if anyone else needed to ask questions I wanted them to know I'd be happy to answer anything as it pertained to my own experience. It can feel like a lonely road, but it doesn't have to, so I was never about hiding.

But we didn't think ahead to what would happen if it worked. Honestly, we never really thought I'd be the girl who hits the IVF jackpot on her first try. Without being pessimistic or anything, we always figured it'd take a few rounds and that it'd get harder as we went. But then all of a sudden, I was pregnant. And there was this group of my friends who knew, because they've known all the details of my treatment as it happened, and there were the folks who read this blog, and then a bunch of Kevin's friends who didn't know a thing. We always said that if we'd been asked directly, we'd gladly cop to what was happening -- but dudes being dudes, his friends rarely asked. Your pal's wife's womb is not exactly the first thing everyone thinks to ask about at poker. So, it started to feel weird that so many people knew it all and others knew nothing, mixed with the fact that a couple of Kevin's friends (but I don't know how many, nor how often) have found this page and occasionally check in on it. The last thing we wanted was for one of them to find out we'd gotten pregnant by reading it on the Internet. It became a balancing act. And then those little superstitions crept in about not saying anything until the end of the first trimester; I was oddly philosophical about it, figuring that all the people we'd tell are the same people who we'd share with if the worst happened, but Kevin got itchy. And understandably so. Frankly, I always figured I'd be that itchy, so it surprised me that I was calm. But out of respect for that, and the other reasons I've mentioned, we decided it wasn't right to say anything here until we'd felt things had progressed far enough to start telling his best friends.

Another thing that delayed it: That seven-week ultrasound. So I'll pick up where I left off.

Jan. 5: Seven-week ultrasound

When we discovered we had two beans, the nurses all got really excited. They don't see identicals very often, or at least, not this way. So they all seemed truly fascinated and thrilled, and squealed and cooed over the photos when we exited the ultrasound room. What a great job that must be, because for all the heartbreak they must witness, the joys must be amplified that much more.

"Are you puking?" one asked.

"No. Not YET, anyway," I said, still a little stunned.

She laughed. "Oh, boy. Well, you will be. You DEFINITELY will be doing a lot of that."

However, the twins news came with some potential complications, and not just the prospect of copious vomit sessions. They were so tiny, snuggled up against each other in there, that it was impossible to tell with certainty that a few high-risk factors weren't at play. For one, they could be conjoined; for another, they could be what they call monoamniotic -- both developing inside one amniotic sac rather than two. From what I understand, there is a larger casing called the chorion, and within that, it's ideal if your identical twins are each in their own smaller yolk sac (this is called monochorionic and diamniotic). If they're inside the SAME smaller sac, a.k.a. monoamniotic, their umbilical cords can get commingled and tangled and squeeze each other and risk cutting off air or nutrients. It ups the probability of bedrest and dangerously pre-term delivery (we're talking only 28 weeks in some cases), plus it can just flat-out impede development. We needed to wait two more weeks to see a clearer picture.

In short, as with EVERY part of pregnancy, we'd waited this long only to wait some more. At this point, we only told immediate family that we had two beans, keeping the rest a secret from ALL our friends until we knew what we were up against here. I won't lie, we were scared. But we were also exhilarated. That day, we heard their little heartbeats for the first time. That was... surreal. There is no other word. Even though it was me on the table, me getting probed, and the contents of my womb up there on the flat screen, there was still a strange disconnect between what I was seeing and being in my own skin. With no sensations of pregnancy at all, it almost felt like watching someone else's movie. A really sweet movie with a nice plot twist, but still something that couldn't possibly belong to me.

As the two weeks progressed, with two strong hearts going like crazy in there somewhere, we just coached ourselves to calm down and focus on the blessing. Since we couldn't talk to anyone else in town, we'd frequently call each other just to say, "TWINS!" Sometimes we'd e-mail the word. It still didn't feel real, but at the same time, we were awed and excited. Kevin had his first nice chat with my belly during this time, and I'd find myself rubbing my stomach in disbelief, hard-pressed to imagine even ONE living thing in there, much less two. I looked bloated but my pants still fit; however, as a sign of good faith, I tucked away my smallest jeans for good.

Jan. 19: Nine-week ultrasound

I won't mince words: This ruled. The twins were cooking along in their own individual amniotic sacs, and weren't conjoined in any way. After hearing two 179 BPM heartbeats, we got to see one of those really advanced pictures where they take every angle and make a 3-D composite. Not only could we see traces of a face, but an arm and a leg. Our little beans were people.

Plus, it was fun seeing the shock on the nurses' faces when I told them I hadn't puked even once. Around this time, I was noticing increased thirst, and a tendency to feel a little unsettled in my stomach if I waited too long between meals -- particularly if I didn't eat quickly after waking up, or if lunch came late, and I drank too much water too quickly in the meantime. After a nice lunch, it always eased up and I felt normal again. Me, Miss Pukey Pukerson in her youth and an expert vomiter throughout college and my twenties, had avoided even one date with the toilet. I think my sister with kids wanted to kill me.

Satisfied, and armed with a DVD of the beans as well as a long string of photos, we gave ourselves the green light to start telling people. I was having a few ladies over for TV that night, so I showed them the ultrasound pics and waited for confusion to spread across their faces. We hadn't told anyone in person yet, so Jessica's roaring "NO FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" was especially satisfying. Eventually we got a few of Kevin's friends in one room to share it with them, and finally, we were all able to let loose on the very worst of our twins jokes -- singing that old Coors Light song ("... and TWIIIINS"), for instance, or suggesting the most unfortunate or kitschy names. I noticed a bit of a weight lift off Kevin's shoulders. As much as we were enjoying it before, he seemed to feel freer now, like the pressure of bottling it up no longer existed. As if telling people made it all feel more substantial.

So naturally, we packed up the beans and took 'em to the Super Bowl. At this point I am compelled to point out what a shame it is that Notre Dame's hoops team took such a disastrous dive through the standings this season, because my beans are undefeated in post-season play. ND won its college football bowl game, and the Steelers ran through the playoffs to win their sixth Super Bowl. If you want me to root for your team, I am for hire.

My stomach, by now, looked a bit bloated and as if I'd been snacking a tad over the holidays. I was starting to pooch over my jeans, but nothing an artfully placed hair elastic (bridging buttonhole and button) couldn't salvage. I veered from being afraid I wasn't gaining enough weight -- TWO beans, after all! -- to worrying I was showing too much too soon. I did catch myself on Super Bowl weekend doing that annoying thing that Hollywood actresses often do, which is, putting their hands on their bellies strategically as if to say, "I AM NOT FAT. SEE? PREGNANT. DO NOT CALL ME FAT!" Specifically, I am referring to YOU, Samantha Harris of Dancing With The Stars. But I couldn't help it -- all these scantily-clad crazies with flat stomachs were cocking their brows and checking out the room at the parties we attended, and I felt dumpy in comparison. Why it mattered, I don't know, but there was just one of those icky competitive airs in the room and I let it bother me. Stupidly. Also, I wanted it to be clear why I was taking so long to go up and down the staircases. And if it encouraged people to give me a wider berth and not bump into me like asshats, well, even better.

Feb. 4 and beyond: Eleven-week ultrasound up to the present

This was the best of them all. We didn't get the wacky 3-D angle, but both heartbeats were still kicking -- 171 and 176 now; it's normal for them to decrease slowly to a more natural rate the closer they are to being born -- and, in fact, so were the beans. In addition to seeing a full bladder (aw, taking after their mother already) and a spine in each baby, we saw them having their first fight. Baby A wriggled around from the get-go, waving its arms and kicking its legs at its sibling. Baby B tried to take the high road for about ten minutes but finally roused itself and started fighting back, and they prodded at each other until the end of the ultrasound. It was amazing.

Still, even as my tummy pokes out further and further -- I've put on about nine pounds so far, and that doesn't include whatever heavy muscle tone dropped away early and got replaced with lighter fat -- it's hard to reconcile what I see on our DVD of these ultrasounds with my own body. It's not something I can feel from the inside yet, so the idea that right this very second my babies could be jostling each other or moving around, or yawning, or napping, is almost beyond comprehension. In fact, what brought it home that they're inside me, even more so than these technologically marvelous ultrasounds, was going to see my actual obstetrician for the first time (fertility docs tend to release you after 8-10 weeks). He held up the Doppler to my stomach, and when I heard an actual heartbeat come out from beyond my skin, from somewhere buried in my belly, I got chills. That really highlighted for me that, yeah, those little ones are in there. And they're growing. And about now, they're the size of peaches, hopefully around 14 weeks big -- my week-to-week turnover day is Monday -- and getting all the rest of their internal organs in place. Did you know the makings of their intestines actually travel down the umbilical cord and into their abdomens? I didn't.

I don't get to see them again until March 6, so I just have to assume in the meantime that Fashion Week agreed with them. It would be nice to have a reassuring peek, but I'm consoling myself with knowing that it's not that much longer now. It's two weeks. I've done two weeks. Two weeks is NOTHING at this point. I can take it. Doesn't mean I won't obsess every time I get a cramp in my stomach, even though I know they're generally just uterine growing pains, but I can be strong. I'll see them soon.

The REALLY fun part is, we have a photo of the embryo that used to be both of them. We also have a shot of it right after my doctor transferred it in; essentially, we got to watch our kids happen, and now when they get old enough not to find it creepy, they can see how close they really are. How it all began. How it all started with one lucky embryo.

Comments

[nerr]

just-no words except yay. thanks for sharing. (brimming with internet love over here)

[Beth]

I've been reading your blog for years, and absolutely couldn't be happier for you and your expanding family. Congratulations!!

[Dani]

I think it's very important to have friends that can display the NO FUCKING SHIT!!!! reaction. Congrats x1,000,000 and thanks for sharing your journey. It has been fun to lurk and listen.

[duvetgirl]

I am so excited for you both, it is just the most fantastic news! Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us :)

[McKenzie]

As a friend and I each said once we had both read your first post on the beans - I have never been so happy and teary for someone I don't even know! Congratulations!!

[tulip]

Big smiles all around! I'm glad you are sharing this with us!

[Amy]

It's so nice to hear about your progress - hope you continue to be non-pukey and that the biggest problem you face is finding non-fuggable maternity gear. I actually found something with a Princess Di expectant-era sailor collar for sale when I was looking for stuff, and this was in 2008. Ack!

Am so happy for you, despite not knowing you at all. Ah, the power of the Internet.

[Jessica]

Ahem, I believe I actually told you to "SHUT THE FUCK UP." I do not want the beans to think Auntie Jessica actually used TWO swears when she only used ONE. Of course, it WAS the naughtiest one, but I feel justified. IT WAS THRILLING!

[heather...]

So, so great. I bet you feel them move SOON. I felt my daughter around 16 weeks, and I've heard with twins that it's sooner.

[heather...]

So, so great. I bet you feel them move SOON. I felt my daughter around 16 weeks, and I've heard with twins that it's sooner.

[Kristin]

I'm twelve weeks along, almost thirteen, and nothing prepared me for how emotional I was going to get when I heard that little heartbeat for the first time. My husband has long chats with the baby already. I, too,have avoided the puking (except for one unfortunate incident at work), which made my best friend from college hate me. Congrats again!

[Katrin]

Thanks so much for sharing. And congratulations! I am in the 10th week of a pregnancy we had waited for for four years - and I know exactly what you mean about those ultrasounds being so special. They make you realise that there really is a person in there! Well, I had all the vomiting to remind me, too. Congrats to you again!

[Blonde Savant]

"Did you know the makings of their intestines actually travel down the umbilical cord and into their abdomens?"

Say what now? Man, babies are freaky.

[Xina]

How exciting! I started feeling movement around five months, although with two beans, you may feel it sooner. Congratulations again, and lots of love from me and my little one! When is your due date?

[Julie]

I am just SO thrilled for you both. I've been reading your blog and GFY for a long time, and I've laughed at myself quite a few times the past month after I've thought "I hope Heather's IVF worked." It's funny how you can care about people you only know internetilly :)

[Leslie]

Amazing ... just amazing. All best wishes to the four of you!

[Ollie]

Ooooh, if they're girls- PLEASE name them Jessica and Elizabeth.

[wealhtheow1@mac.com]

Total assvice--I was wicked paranoid during my pregnancy, and kept freaking out when I first felt the kiddo moving. I'd feel a couple kicks, then nothing for a couple days. Turns out that's NORMAL. You probably knew that, but I wish someone had told me in advance, so I'm paying it forward.

[Jaclyn]

Though I'm far from breeding, myself, I have to admit I felt a very tiny maternal pang reading your last two entries. I attribute that to your fantastic writing. I loved Jessica's response, and your description of their first fight, and hoping Fashion Week agreed with them. Don't we all!
Mazeltov, and I second the Wakefield name suggestion above.

[Jaclyn]

p.s., any chance of you sharing the ultrasound photos with your adoring public?

[Becky]

Their first fight! In utero! Holy cow, if that's not the most freaking adorable thing ever, I don't know what is.

Many, many congrats!

[Squeeziee]

Ok, I'm now sniffling in my little cube in my University library.
People are giving me strange looks - I think they think that contract law is making me all emotional.
Anyway - I thought I'd de-lurk to send you and your beans much internet love from the South of England.

*sniff* DAMMIT!

[Pam]

Look at everything I miss when I've been lax on checking blogs lately. CONGRATULATIONS!! I am so happy for you.

[Allyson]

Wow! I have just this moment rediscovered your blog. I want to say it's been 8 or 9 years since I've read it. Can't believe I found it! Anyway, congratulations! You helped me through some tough times in middle and high school and it seems like we're both doing quite well, now. :)

[Whitey Ford]

So very exciting! And I don't even know you. I was appalled when I opened my US Weekly today and they had a "Who wore it best?" between Kingston Rossdale, James Wilkie Broderick, and Moses Martin, but yet I hope your babies will kick all their asses someday on the fashion front. And seriously, if they're girls: Jessica and Elizabeth. Please. For all of us. So SVH will not be forgotten.