Checking In On The Oranges

History proves that I am not the LEAST absent-minded person in the world, so the fact that I put away the ice cream in my refrigerator last night (and didn't notice until lunchtime today) can't be blamed on pregnancy entirely. But I do think the fact that I've twice left the house with an unlocked door can be written off to the mind-scrambling hormones. The second time, as I went out on some errands and took with me some garbage, I actually recited to myself, "Go back and lock the door, go back and lock the door," but by the time the bag made it into the container, the mantra was gone and I wheeled around, merrily got in my car, and drove away. Whoops. Both times I came home and, realizing with a thud what I'd done, I checked that our TV was still here. This says a lot -- disturbingly -- about my priorities. Like, screw it if they've stolen the crystal! Take my goddamn laptop! What about the TV?

My next ultrasound is tomorrow morning, and as with all my others, I'm getting mildly antsy. Maybe even anxious. Nothing will be as bad as that first one, I don't think -- the one where I sat there wiggling my feet, kicking at the air absently, silently begging my womb to have an actual baby in the sac and not just air. It's that moment when you realize that, no matter how much you've told yourself not to get your hopes up until it's for SURE, you are already completely in love with the so-far-phantom child and it will hurt physically to find out it's not real.

All subsequent ones, though, I just panic that maybe something is wrong. That one of the babies disappeared (although fortunately, now we are past Vanishing Twin point, I believe), or one stopped growing, or... the list goes on, and it's not fun. It's for pessimists. The thing is, I don't actually truly think any of these things has happened, but I can't stop myself from being afraid. Because I spend the entire time between ultrasounds getting excited for the next one, and right on the verge of it, my mind comes to a screeching halt and goes, "WAIT. What if it's not as happy as you expect?" And then I start to think, well, what if I'm not as big as I'm supposed to be and it's A SIGN? What if I should have felt a flutter by now? What if not having food cravings MEANS SOMETHING? What if the fucking toxic-smelling fumes emanating from our new dishwasher have WARPED THE BABIES? (Seriously, I think they are warping ME.) What if I didn't take proper care of them while traveling? What if, what if, what if? I love them too much already, am too attached to the idea of my twins, for it to be anything but two beating hearts and two growing beans. Hence the nerves. Any other wrinkles, we'll take as they come, as long as they've got pulses and brains and they're getting bigger.

I think it's too soon to find out the sex, which stinks, because it means more waiting. I am getting nice and round, though; I'm up about ten pounds, my stomach sticks out, and my butt is getting unmanageable. The next step for me is finding a prenatal yoga class -- I'm on the trail of a few near my house -- so I can keep my muscles from atrophying, and possibly forestall further proliferation of the cellulite that's spreading like a virus down my thighs, although I think that's a futile fight for now. And of course, I need to make sure the beans (or the navel oranges, as that's apparently how big they are supposed to be by now) are thriving in there. That's step one. Everything else can wait. Fortunately, I only have to tap my toes and twiddle my thumbs for 20 more hours.

Comments

[Amy]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, good luck!

I can't recommend pre-natal yoga highly enough, mainly because everyone I know who did it had wonderfully easy births (as opposed to muggins over here who spent too much time sat on her ass watching TV and eating and then had to contend with a 2 hour second stage).

Hope the beans are growing nicely!

[Liza Jane]

This may seem like a strange comment, but check that no plastic dish bits (like tupperware lids) have fallen to the floor of the dishwasher and starting burning on the heating coils. That happened in my dishwasher a few months ago and it about knocked me out every time I tried to open the door to empty it.

[Dorie]

I also highly recommend prenatal yoga - it's WONDERFUL for dialing down the general anxiety/stress level. And it keeps you limber. I looked forward to it every week. It also made me feel more in tune with my body, and gave me faith that my body knew what to do... that knowledge helped me through pregnancy, childbirth, and beyond.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

I hope that all went well at the ultrasound!

I totally understand about the anxiety. It gets easier when you feel the baby (or babies) start to move, so you'll know that all is ok.