Eat Your Heart Out, Kanye West

One of the things I was the most curious about, post-pregnancy, is what the hell happens to all that stomach. Does it deflate? Does it hang there like a half-full beach ball attached to your torso? What does it feel like? What does it DO?

It was weird not long after my c-section to find that I still looked pregnant, just... less so. Frankly, that's about what I had expected, but it's jarring nonetheless, in part because in my case I never got to say goodbye to being pregnant. I was, and then all of a sudden, I wasn't any more. I missed that one last chance to cup my belly, to feel the kicks, to appreciate the closeness of carrying the beans with me all the time in one portable package. It was just me and them, 24/7, in a relationship no one else could see or feel in its complete truth except the three of us. And it'll never be quite like that again. For me, it pinged a little extra hard because I grappled with the idea that I'd stopped being a good home to them somewhere along the way, and all the attendant guilt. But my advice to pregnant ladies out there would be to take that extra second or minute every day to love the experience even when it's miserable. Because when it ends, if it ends suddenly -- or maybe even if it doesn't -- there's a tiny sense of withdrawal.

Dylan, under the bili lights, Day 3.

The funny thing about gaining almost all my weight out in front of me is that the natural comedown that comes from giving birth -- a slow, gentle process -- has left me looking more or less like myself but for a little round bulge right smack in the middle of my stomach. (Well, I've got slightly wider hips, but whatever; if you didn't know me you wouldn't notice, I don't think.) For the most part, the gut spends its time bound by an abdominal brace that holds a long, thick sanitary napkin in place over my incision. Whenever The Belly is free, it's soft. Very soft. Doughy, springy. It's kind of fun to push on when I take off my brace. It doesn't feel detached from me, but it's not like just being a regular ten pounds overweight; I can still see my feet, but when I look down at it in the shower, it is unmistakeably an artifact of having a baby or two in there. It's very much its own beast. Kevin is fascinated by it.

Liam under the lights; Kevin calls this his Kanye West photo, figuring Kanye would totally wear those for real someday.

Every day it's gone down a little bit. Where at first I could probably pass for pregnant-ish, now I just look like a Bic Mac addict. Which is fine. I'm not concerned with losing the weight -- I figure, come January, when I'm potentially staring down the barrel of another Fashion Week appearance, I might mind if I can't fit into my clothes. But otherwise I refuse to get bogged down in it, because holy hell, I just had twins. And I'm breastfeeding, so I need to eat, bitches. I don't have time to be one of those Hollywood douches who resumes training two weeks after a c-section and hires a meal service to get skinny in two more. F' THAT. I am having a Milky Way right now.

Dylan getting some skin-to-skin time late last week.

The incision itself burns every now and again. I'm resisting the Motrin or Tylenol with Codeine that I've been prescribed, at least whenever possible. The pain, at this point, isn't so bad that I need to stay in front of it by popping pills all the time, so I just wait for it to get irritating -- its way of keeping me honest, I suppose -- and then take something if I need it. I got lucky. Once my spinal fully wore off, I stayed on a good enough pill schedule in the hospital that I was never debilitated by any discomfort, and it got to the point where I never really remembered to ask for pain meds. All told, it's been a pretty positive recovery period, and for my first-ever surgery I'm rather heartened that it didn't break me. Kevin admitted to being a bit surprised it didn't knock me on my ass -- and he has a point there, considering that I am the person who stubs her toe and announces it with a loud string of expletives one might expect to hear after having a toe amputated rudely by a kitchen knife.

Liam's skin-to-skin time, again late last week.

I think my other piece of advice to moms would be to make sure your hospital has a NICU, and a good one. It's worth driving that little bit further for one, and doing so isn't pessimism -- it's practicality. There are a couple babies we've seen roll into this NICU, all singletons and thus not the births you'd automatically consider high-risk, from other area hospitals. Which means somewhere, there's a mother who just gave birth and can't even be in the same building as her baby while they both recover, and a husband/wife/partner caught in between wanting to be with the ailing child and the ailing, emotional mother. I cannot imagine I'd have been doing nearly as well if I were up in a maternity ward without access to my twins, and without the benefit of Kevin being able to dash down and get an update, take a picture to show me, or even just be there to squeeze their feet before squeezing my hand. So find thee a NICU, and yes, pray you never need to see it -- but man, knowing it's there? Priceless.

And finally, the update: Dylan lost weight two nights in a row -- a total of 60 grams, which isn't great, and which put him below 1100 grams, and I wish they didn't use grams but it's more precise than pounds and ounces (I assume) so I am trying to learn to speak metric -- but then gained 20 g back last night. Liam lost one night and then last night put it back on, so that's good. But both are back under the bili lights, because after one day out (Dylan) and two days out (Liam) their bilirubin levels both shot up again. That, though, we can deal with -- as long as they keep gaining. Come on Dylan! I mean, it's so EASY for ME to gain weight. Here's hoping that gene got passed along...

Comments

[Allyson]

So glad to hear the boys are progressing, and you're healing well. It sounds like you have a great attitude about all of the trials you're going through. Don't worry about getting back in shape--with two tiny boys, you'll get plenty of exercise!

Your lovely family is in my thoughts. :)

[heather...]

I picked my hospital because it looked nice on the pages of US Weekly. I regretted it when my daughter had to be rushed to UCLA a couple hours after she was born. I will NEVER make that mistake again. It is ABSOLUTELY worth it to deliver at a hospital with a high-level NICU. My fancy hospital had a Level II NICU, but Madeline needed a Level III. So that's my long way of saying YES YES YES you are absolutely right.

I wanted to comment on your last post but it gave me flashbacks that I couldn't type through. I am so glad to hear that the boys gained. I hated the gram weigh-ins, too. If the boys are in Giraffe incubators, the scale should be able to weigh them in grams and then switch it to pounds/oz. I always asked the nurses to do that, because try as I might, I just can't grasp the metric system.

Thinking about the four of you.

[Laurabelle]

Every time I think of you and the fellas, which is at all of the Fug Girls' tweets and whenever I see someone who needs your advice (so... often), I give a little cheer in my head: "Go! Go, Liam! Go-go-go, Dylan! Go! Go, Liam! Go-go-go, Dylan!" There might also be dancing.

[Linda]

Here's hoping that they both just keep on getting bigger. Sounds like they're going in the right direction. Fingers crossed, toes crossed, eyes crossed, etc. The Kanye picture is the best. Already rock stars.

[Derick]

28 grams is 1 ounce.

My very best thoughts to you, Kevin, Dylan, and Liam.

[Leigh]

They are so gorgeous, and here's hoping that they just keep on gaining from here on out. You are doing so amazing, so if your sons have your courage and strength, then they will be fine. Sending you all my best wishes.

(And as a NZer, where we only use the metric system, it makes a nice change to actually understand when someone in America writes about weight!) :)

[Leslie]

So wonderful to read that all appears to be going well. As I mentioned in an earlier comment, I am director of a non-profit family resource center, serving families of at-risk babies, ages birth to 36 months, in the California Early Start Program. Just two days ago we sponsored the second of a three-part series "After the NICU ... Infant Massage and more," with a certified infant massage instructor. We had a group of mothers and babies, most about 6 months old, who were all NICU "grads" --- some very amazing conversations and great connections were made among the moms. If you haven't already heard of California Early Start (no relation to Head Start), please ask to be referred to the program in your area. The resources are all free, not income-based. All best wishes to you and your lovely family.

[Regina]

Go Dylan Go!!! Keep on gaining! They're beautiful, and I'm glad that you're feeling better too.

[Rachel]

Go Beans!

I heartily second you on the NICU rec. My girl was in there for her first three days because she was a c-section, and didn't get the fluid pushed out of her lungs like a vaginal birth would have done. So it was nice to have that, even if it felt weird that my chubby pink baby was surrounded by all of these wee tinies. It's a weird feeling, but knowing she was just downstairs instead of across town was definitely worth it.

If you don't mind me asking, what are the Beans eating? Are they getting straight breastmilk or a combination of BM and formula? I ask because J spent her first three days getting formula until my milk came in and then we transitioned to straight BM on day 4 and didn't have a huge problem switching her.

Good luck and lots of internet love to you and Liam and Dylan. <3

[Carrie Ann]

I was off the grid for a couple of weeks, so I was shocked to see these pictures! I'm just catching up on your birth saga, but I'm so happy for you and Kevin and Dylan and Liam, and will be keeping you all in my thoughts. I'll also be sure to eat a little extra tonight in honor of the twins' weight gain goals! Congratulations, and all the best wishes for your wonderful family.

[darleene]

I had a few days off work, and you had your beans! Congratulations! Hang in there, they're going to pull through and be driving you bananas in no time.

[Lita]

Like Carrie Ann, I was off the grid for a while too. I was so surprised to see the Beans had arrived. I am so hopeful for all of you and I'm pulling for Dylan and Liam. best wishes for your brand new family!

[moriah]

Long time lurker, finally getting around to sending you and your beautiful family my best wishes and congratulations. I continue to send happy thoughts to you via the Invisible Internet Good Vibe Highway, and I think about the progress of your boys daily.

[Kristin]

Selfishly, I keep checking back here hoping a new (positive) update on your boys. As if you don't have more important things to do than update your blog. :) Hope they are doing well.

[Sarah]

I also am constantly checking, and hoping for a positive update. I'm sure you're very busy taking care of all the things that go with being a new mom, like spending lots of time with the boys. Thoughts and prayers for good news.

[Anna]

I have my fingers crossed that all is well with your boys! They are so adorable, Liam's Kanye West photo is hilariously cool, and Dylan looks so sweet in his skin-to-skin pic.

[Jenn]

Chiming in with best wishes! Hoping that they are doing so well that you aren't even thinking about your blog... :)